User blog:Gaskarths/things
s t u f f ; ...so, I posted last night that I was really upset. I'm sorry for disappearing for a little bit afterwards. I didn't mean to worry you guys. I think I'm ready to talk now. I just want to let you know that this isn't a sympathy blog. I don't want people feeling sorry for me. You don't need to give me advice or anything. I just need to write this all down and get it out because I don't think I'll be able to live with myself if I keep this in forever. I can already barely stand myself as it is. After posting that little, dumb comment, I rolled back in my chair and just sat there for a while, looking at the computer screen. I just let myself think. I cleared out my mind and I thought of everything at once. That comment spoke the truth. I'm really, really upset. And for a number of reasons, too. I don't know where to start with this, really. But I guess the best place to start is to just let all those thoughts out. I'm depressed. I try to hide it behind the walls of this facade that I have put up in front of myself on the internet - I appear so happy and without an inch of sadness whenever I'm on here, and sometimes, that's true. I am happier on here because it separates me from the miserable reality that I've been experiencing since I moved here. I know that sounds cliche, but it's the truth. I hardly ever leave my dorm for anything other than classes. I just sit on the laptop all day, because that way, I can avoid contact with people. I guess that brings me to my next point. My anxiety has gotten so, so bad. Like, to the point where I can't even handle the thought of someone ever speaking to me face-to-face. I'm awful around boys, too. I can't even look a guy in the eye without breaking down inside and having my face heat up. You'd probably laugh out loud if I told you how many times I've tripped over myself in public, but would you still laugh if I told you that it's all because of how I force myself to stare at my feet whenever I'm walking because I can't look at everyone around me? Would you? Third. It's hard to believe but even now, in college, I'm still made fun of. Stupid girls in my study and my film class are always whispering about me and asking me what size of clothes I am. I hate them. I really do. They're awful. But I guess it's all my fault for letting them affect me like this. Most people would usually brush comments like theirs off, because really, it's not a big deal. A lot of people would rather be told they look too young rather than they look too old, right? Not for me. I've been being told this for practically my whole life. It only took a few instances for me to start to believe what people were saying. I do look like a junior high student today. I do have the body of a little girl. I do look like a goddamn vampire most of the time. The things that these people are saying are true, and that's what angers me the most. Why do I have to be the way I am? Why can't I be taller, and have a more attractive body, and have a larger bust, and just look prettier in general? Maybe then, boys would ask me out and girls would stop making fun of me. My mental health has gotten so, so poor. A strained relationship with my family. The weight of depression that I'm forced to carry upon my shoulders every single freakin' day. Remarks about my body from people who are supposed to be adults. It's all too much for me. I can't sleep anymore. I hardly ever eat. My hair is falling out. Just having the strength to get out of bed ''takes so much effort. I love being alone but I don't trust myself when I am, because I can do anything when I'm alone and I'm really...''really scared of myself. I can't handle it anymore. It's like I'm at my breaking point, and what's even worse is knowing that I wouldn't even be at this point in the first place if it weren't for me being so fucking stupid. I chose to be this way. It was my choice to be alone. My choice to feel scared of everything. My choice to feel guilty of everything. It's all my fault. But if I'm able to feel such things, how come I feel nothing at the same time? I let myself be this way and I'm sorry everyday. Thanks for listening. Category:Blog posts